Jokes

Jokes

1
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. “
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

2
A man wanted a watchdog, so he went to the pet store. He asks the clerk, "Do you have a good watchdog?"
The clerk replies, "You're in luck; I have one left." She comes back with a chihuahua. The man, a little ticked off, says "What the hell do I need a chihuahua for? That's not a watchdog!"
The clerk replies, "But this is a special watchdog. He knows karate." The clerk takes the chihuahua and the man out to an alley, where there is some trashy furniture. The clerk points to a chair and says, "Karate that chair!" Less than a second later, the chihuahua reduces the chair to sawdust.
The clerk points to a sofa and commands the dog to "Karate that sofa! Repeat performance.
The man, amazed, buys the dog for $100 and takes it home.
When he gets home, the man shows his wife the chihuahua proclaiming, "Honey, I got you a watchdog!"
The wife yells, "That isn't a watchdog, for cryin' out loud! You wasted your money!"
The man calmly replies, "This is a special watchdog. He knows karate."
The wife, flustered, shouts: "Karate?!? Karate my ass!!!"

3
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do — everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special.
When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are ya going to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.
"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.
"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's……"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room.

4
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.