"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Husband and wife become two sides of a coin after the marriage; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."
"The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, "What does a woman want? "
"I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.